Saturday, December 16, 2017

Some canned and dyed-green appetizers

I'm finally done grading, so instead of posting a canned (Ha!) funny name post I wrote months ago, I had time to pick out a couple not-so-delectable tidbits from ancient December Woman's Day magazines.

The December 1976 B in B (for "Broiled in Butter") mushroom ad got my attention with its image of an avocado being overtaken by a horde of angry mushrooms:

But what really got me was the part of the ad I like to refer to as "mushroom explosion":

The orange was apparently overtaken by a mayonnaise-based monster, met some canned whole mushrooms, and lost its freaking mind!

Anyone would lose it for these mushrooms, at least according to the ad:

These aren't just any canned mushrooms. They're "the hors d'oevre mushroom," which makes them perfect for draping over unsuspecting avocados or toothpicking to orange shells filled with cream cheese, mayo, canned mushroom broth, onion, and Worcestershire. They're a sophisticated party starter, not a sign that maybe guests dropped by for a snack when the family was down to fruit parings and whatever cans were left in the back of the pantry....

The canned mushroom greeting is positively sumptuous compared to what I have termed the saddest Christmas recipe ever, courtesy of a special pull-out "Collector's Cookbook" section in the December 1974 Woman's Day:

Mock Pistachios are for the family who wants to seem like they can put out real pistachios for the guests, but only has the budget for dyed-green almonds. For those who can't afford a full cup of almonds, the recipe can be halved. Halved! Have yourself a gloomy little Christmas contemplating that scenario.

You're welcome for the total downer. Just to make it up to you (and maybe convince Santa that I'm not so bad after all), here's a cheerful picture of mom's imaginary friends helping her get the house ready for the big holiday (from the same 1974 booklet):

Let's just hope they're careful with those candles and that the big cauldron isn't full of Lima-Clam soup. They look trustworthy, right? And they'll leave all the dyed-green almonds and mushroom-orange explosions for the guests.


  1. Funny how adults always tell kids not to play with their food, then they go off and build mushroom Sputnik.

    1. Well, clearly the mushroom Sputnik is far more sophisticated than a simple mashed potato volcano. Adults can say it's artistic license.

  2. The orange looks like a mushroom cloud (accidental pun!) of doom & poison