Please a Teen!

What is the best way to help your '70s era teen celebrate a special occasion? We all know Betty Crocker is going to suggest food because the ways teenagers really celebrate don't tend to require cookbooks or even parental involvement. Betty Crocker's Family Dinners in a Hurry (copyright 1970, but my fifth printing is from 1973) suggests celebrating "a teen-ager's triumph" with a pizzaburger pie:

I think of pizzaburgers as being individual patties seasoned with basil, oregano, and garlic, topped with sauce and cheese, but Betty envisions hers as a "pie"-- basically a meat "crust" to be topped as a pizza and cut into wedges. Fair enough. It all seems pretty normal until I get to the can of kidney beans. Kidney beans?

Yup! Nothing makes a teenager giddy like a can of kidney beans on an ersatz pizza!

Then I saw that Betty wasn't entirely unreasonable. Underneath, she lists variations, and all of them sensibly omit the kidney beans. Let's see what else we could try.

Mushrooms? Fine! Sliced or French fried onions? Not my thing, but I understand why some people like them. The two in the middle, though? Does it really say what I think it says?

Apparently Betty knew I would start to doubt my reading skills since she chose to picture these toppings rather than, say, French fried onions. Party time! Break out the pizzaburger pie with mushy gray canned green beans or faintly metallic corn! Woo!